Papyrus Westcar

Continuing the theme of Egyptian literature, today we’re going to be talking about another ‘classic’ Egyptian story; the Tale of Khufu and the Magicians, also known as Papyrus Westcar.

The Westcar Papyrus (P. Berlin 3033) was (supposedly) found by Henry Westcar, a British antiquarian, in 1823-4. In 1838-9 it was (supposedly) bequeathed to Karl Lepsius, but was found in his attic after his death; there’s a deal of speculation about whether Lepsius did ‘inherit’ the papyrus, or whether it was stolen! The papyrus was viewed as a curiosity, until it was translated into German by Adolf Erman in 1890; since then, it has been re-translated numerous times.

The story is quite an unusual one, consisting of five vignettes relating to the sorcerous efforts of various priests and magicians. Each tale (save the last) is told in the court of King Khufu, the famous 4th Dynasty pharaoh and builder of the Great Pyramid at Giza, though the composition of the text itself has been placed between the Middle Kingdom and the Second Intermediate Period.  The first of the stories is almost entirely missing, but the others survive.

The First Story

The first story is missing entirely, save for the ending, where Khufu orders that offerings be made to the kings featured in the story. The conclusion mentions King Djoser, and may have had something to do with his famous Step Pyramid (and Imhotep, its famous architect!).

The Second Story

The first complete vignette begins when Prince Khafre stands up to speak and tells of a biayt – a ‘wonder’ – that happened in the time of King Nebka. Nebka had gone to the temple of Ptah to perform rites therein, accompanied by his chief lector-priest, Weba-iner, and the lector-priest’s wife. The lady meets a charming commoner, and the two decide to spend a pleasant day drinking in a nearby pavilion…and their ‘pleasant day’ doesn’t end until the sun has set!

Weba-iner finds out about this, and decides to exact his revenge with magic. He crafts a wax model crocodile, and passes it to the caretaker, instructing him to wait until the commoner goes for his daily swim, and then throw the model crocodile into the water.

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E.620 – Model of a Crocodile, Hierakonpolis.

Meanwhile, Weba-iner’s wife sends to have the pavilion made ready again, and spends another ‘pleasant day’ with the commoner. After the sun sets, the commoner goes for his evening swim…and the caretaker throws the crocodile into the lake! When it touches the water, the crocodile springs to life, becoming a real crocodile, seven cubits long. It snaps its jaws around the commoner and drags him to the bottom of the lake!

Chuffed with his work, the lector-priest brings Nebka to the lake to see the magical crocodile. He summons it back, and it brings the commoner along for the ride. The lector-priest transforms the crocodile back into a wax figure, and explains his woes to Nebka. Outraged, the king declares that the crocodile can drag the commoner back to the bottom of the lake, while the adulterous wife of Weba-iner is burned alive.

Then, everyone celebrates how cool the magical crocodile was. Priorities.

The Third Story

After declaring that offerings be made to Nebka and his lector-priest, Khufu is ready for another tale. This time, Baufre has the floor, ready to tell a salacious story of a bored king, a boating accident, and fishnet stockings.

King Snofru is bored. So bored, in fact, that he sends for his chief lector-priest, Djadjaemankh, and complains that he has been through every room of the palace looking for something to do and found nothing. The lector-priest has an idea on how to alleviate his King’s ennui…

Djadjaemankh counsels Snofru to visit his palace lake, and sail around on it with a ship manned entirely by beautiful women. The king sends off for twenty ebony oars, plated with gold, with handles of special wood plated in electrum (why not?), as well as twenty beautiful, virginal women, with braided hair and large breasts. He also asks for twenty nets, and for the women to remove their clothes and replace them with the nets.

This may be the first historical reference to fishnet stockings in the world.

The women row back and forth, and Snofru feels very pleased with himself, but alas! He made a mistake asking for women with braided hair. The lead stroke gets entangled in her braids, and her turquoise fish-pendant falls into the water! Distraught, she stops rowing, which infuriates Snofru. He is, after all, a king, so he can just get her another pendant. Alas, she doesn’t want another pendant, she wants hers back. She gets a little bit sassy, telling Snofru, “I prefer my own to its substitute”. Ouch.

Growing rather grumpy due to this turn of events, Snofru sends for Djadjaemankh. The lector-priest arrives, and Snofru complains that he was having a rather wonderful time, but then this fish-pendant got lost and ruined everything. Without a worry, Djadjaemankh casts a magic spell, folding the waters of the lake, and revealing the lake bed. He pops over to the newly-revealed lake bed, retrieves the pendant, and then casts a spell to return the water to normal.

Cheered up once more, Snofru proceeds to spend the day partying with the entire palace, and making joyful offerings to his favourite lector-priest.

The Fourth Story

After another bout of offerings, this time dedicated to Snofru and Djadjaemankh, Khufu is amazed…but his son, Prince Hardedef, is not. Hardedef complains that all of these stories take place in the past, where one cannot easily discern truth from falsehood. Instead, Hardedef can tell Khufu of a man who still lives, and who can perform miracles! A commoner, named Djedi, who is 110 years old; he eats five hundred loaves of bread and a shoulder of beef, and drinks one hundred jars of beer every day. He can mend a severed head, make a lion follow behind him with its leash on the ground, and even knows the number of chambers in the sanctuary of Thoth!

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Image of Thoth, from the Book of the Dead (2016 Book of the Dead).

Now, Khufu is intrigued. He himself had been seeking the chambers of the Thoth sanctuary, in order to make something like it for himself…so he commands that Hardedef bring Djedi to him, so he can be questioned! Hardedef sets off for Djed-Snofru by boat, and the prince is borne to Djedi upon an ebony palanquin, with poles of special wood, plated in gold (of course).

Hardedef finds Djedi, with servants anointing his head and rubbing his feet. After buttering him up, Hardedef summons Djedi to meet with Khufu, and the two return to the river bank, board ships, and head back to the royal residence. Djedi is announced to Khufu, who excitedly asks if it is true – can Djedi really mend a severed head? Djedi answers that he can, and Khufu sends for a prisoner to be brought so Djedi can prove it.

Djedi refuses to work his magic on a human, asking instead for a goose; Khufu agrees, and a goose is brought before Djedi and beheaded. The head is placed on one side of the chamber and the body on another, and Djedi works his magic – causing the body of the goose to waddle over to its head and reattach it. Khufu sends for another goose, and Djedi does the same; he then sends for a bull, and once again, it stands up and walks – with its leash on the ground (hang on, I thought Hardedef said it was a lion who would walk with his leash on the ground – oh well, I suppose Khufu wasn’t paying attention…).

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E.608– Faience lion figurine.

Khufu then brings out the big question – does Djedi know the number of the secret chambers in the sanctuary of Thoth? Djedi says he doesn’t know the number – but he does know where it is kept, in a hidden casket at Heliopolis. Khufu asks him to bring the casket, but Djedi says it is not him who will bring it – it would be brought by the eldest of three children, currently in the womb of the woman Reddjedet.

“Who is she?” Khufu asks, and Djedi replies, telling him that she is the wife of a priest of Re, pregnant with his three children. These children would ascend to the highest offices of the land – a fact that Khufu is not entirely happy about. Khufu agrees to visit the woman, and the temple of Re, but the sandbanks of the canal will be cut off when she is due to give birth – Djedi assures him that he will cause water to rise there.

And then there are more offerings, of course.

The Fifth Story

The fifth vignette continues immediately, Reddjedet struggling with a difficult labour. Seeing this, Re sends for the gods Isis, Nephthys, Meskhenet, Heket, and Khnum, sending them to deliver these three children – who are prophesied to become the next royal dynasty. The gods disguise themselves as musicians – Khnum carries the bags – and go to visit Reddjedet.

The priest, Reweser, leads them to Reddjedet, and the gods assist with her birth. Isis commands the baby Userkaf to behave himself, and he is born into her arms with ease. After washing the child, Meskhenet and Khnum bless him.

Then, Isis brings forth Sahure, and again, he is washed and blessed by the other gods. Finally, she hastens the birth of Kakai, who is washed and blessed like the others. Having delivered the three children, the gods head out to inform Reweser, who provides them with a tip for their efforts – a sack of grain.

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E.9381 – Wooden model of Nephthys.

Isis realises that they had not yet provided a sufficiently wondrous wonder, and so the gods create three royal crowns, placing them in the sack. They summon a storm, and return to the house, asking if they can leave the grain so it will not get wet in the rain.

Later, the household are throwing a celebratory party, but there is no grain to brew beer – save for the grain left by the ‘musicians’. Reweser decides to use this grain and sends the maid to fetch it, thinking he will compensate them when they return. When the maid enters the room, she hears the sounds of celebration – dancing, singing, and music – without any obvious source. Reddjedet heads down to the room, puts her ears to the grain sack and discovers the sound is coming from inside the sack!

She realises that her sons will be kings, and is overjoyed – but fearful. Reddjedet hides the sack, locking it away in her room, and tells Reweser, who is equally joyous, and they have a wonderful party.

A few days later, Reweser has a quarrel with the maid, ordering her to be beaten as punishment, and she decides to seek her revenge by telling Khufu of the new kings. She finds her brother (or uncle, depending on the translation), and tells him of her plan, but he is appalled – and beats her with flax. Distraught, the maid rushes to the riverbank to get a drink of water and is snatched away by a crocodile (presumably not the same one from the previous story, but who knows?).

Her brother (or uncle) heads to tell Reddjedet, who is terrified that Khufu will now know about her children. He informs her of the maid’s death by crocodile…

 

…and the story ends there!

The Significance of Westcar

These stories appear to teach entertaining moral lessons – though some are perhaps lost in translation, and others just make very little sense to our modern sensibilities! Egyptologists have argued that these stories may have been drawn from the folklore of the common people of ancient Egypt, instead of deriving from the compositions of the royal court.

The tale was certainly written much later than it is set, and this provides the opportunity for reflection; the text itself acknowledges its fictional nature, with Hardedef remarking that it is hard to discern fact from fiction in stories from the past. Moreover, the text uses this temporal distance to create characters out of the royal figures it discusses; rather than distant, impersonal pharaohs, they are each portrayed almost as caricatures. Nebka is strict, lawful, and judgemental. Snofru is bored, cantankerous…and a little perverted! Meanwhile, Khufu is harsh, cruel even, willing to sacrifice a man’s life to see a magic trick and concerned that his dynasty will be replaced.

Is the ending of the story complete? It seems a little abrupt, but studies by Egyptologists Verena Lepper and Mirian Lichtheim both indicate that this is, indeed, how the story was supposed to end. The crocodile sequence is repeated – almost like a refrain – and in any case, Lepper argues, there was enough room on the papyrus to add more if there was any more to add.

By Christopher Bebbington.

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The Destruction of Humanity

We are fortunate to have many surviving pieces of Egyptian literature and religious writings, allowing us to translate, read, and share stories that were originally composed in the ancient past. We have previously looked at the story of Osiris and Isis, one of the most famous tales from ancient Egypt. Today, we’re going to be looking at a very different tale, however – one known amongst Egyptologists by the rather unusual name, “the Myth of the Heavenly Cow”.

The Myth of the Heavenly Cow, telling the tale of the near-destruction of humanity, was first discovered in the outermost of the four gilded shrines of Tutankhamun, but in incomplete form. Three completed versions of the text were found, however, in the tombs of Seti I, Ramesses I, and Ramesses II. The text forms part of a corpus of royal funerary compositions dating to the New Kingdom, but was written in Middle Egyptian (the seminal form of the classical Egyptian language), and the ideas within it may date back as far as the Pyramid Texts of the Old Kingdom.

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E.507(2) – A section of the amduat of the 21st Dynasty songstress of Amun, Tja-ty. The amduat is another royal funerary composition; unlike the Myth of the Heavenly Cow, the amduat is concerned with the topography and inhabitants of the Egyptian underworld.

The Rebellion of Man

The story begins in the mythical past, at the dawn of Egyptian history when the land was ruled by the sun god, Re, ‘the god who created himself’. The sun god had reached old age, and his mortal subjects had conspired against him, rebelling against his rule. Re summoned his council in secret – the gods Shu, Tefnut, Geb, Nun, and the primordial ‘mothers and fathers’ who were with him before the world was created. He also summoned his ‘Eye’, a fiery manifestation of his divine power, and retreated with his council to discuss what should be done about the rebellious hearts of men.

The council of gods suggested that Horus should ‘let [his] Eye go’, sending her down in the form of the goddess Hathor, to wreak vengeance on the disobedient humans below. With her power, she could smite the evildoers, preventing them from rebelling against the rule of the sun god.

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E.9186 – A wadjet-eye amulet. Eyes could symbolise many things in ancient Egypt; while the wadjet is a symbol of magical protection, the powerful Eye of Re instead symbolised divine vengeance.

The Descent of the Eye

The story continues with Hathor returning triumphant; not only did she overpower mankind, but it pleased her! As Re celebrated his unopposed rule, Hathor took the form of the vengeful lion-headed goddess Sekhmet, to wade in the blood of the humans she had massacred throughout Egypt.

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E.9011 – an amulet depicting the mighty goddess, Sekhmet.

At this point, Re realised that his retribution was perhaps a little disproportionate. With Sakhmet spilling the blood of people across Egypt, he sent for swift messengers – messengers who could ‘rush like the shadow of a body’ – and concocted a plan to calm the raging Eye.

The Drunken Goddess

Re sent his messengers to Elephantine, to bring him red ochre in vast quantities. When the messengers returned, he sent word that the ochre should be ground up to make red pigment, while servants were to grind barley and make beer. The pigment was mixed with the beer, creating a mix that looked like human blood; in total, 7 000 jars were made for Sekhmet.

Vowing to protect mankind against the vengeful goddess, Re had the beer brought to the fields that Sekhmet would target next, and during the night, the beer was poured over the fields, flooding them. When the goddess arrived that morning, she found the fields already full of ‘blood’, and stopped to sate her thirst on it. With the Eye drunk – 7 000  jars drunk! – she decided to leave mankind alone, returning to the other gods.

The Aftermath

In the aftermath of the tale, Re leaves the earthly world behind forever, ascending to the heavens. The sky was created in the form of the Heavenly Cow, a manifestation of the goddess Nut, and the other gods joined him, separating themselves from the world of mortals. In future generations, the pharaoh would be a human – one who acted as an intermediary between the mortal world and the realm of the gods.

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E.66 – cult statue of Hathor in her bovine form.

The Ancient Egyptian World and the Concept of Evil

The Myth of the Heavenly Cow elucidates the role of the pharaoh – a semi-divine emissary who ruled the world on behalf of the gods, maintaining ma’at (balance) and stopping isfet (chaos), and ensuring the gods were properly worshipped. At the end of the tenure of the pharaoh, they would take their place in the gods’ realm, ascending to the heavens and integrating themselves in the divine cosmos.

The tale also raises issues of evil in the world – even in the mythical, perfect times, humanity was imperfect and chose to rebel against the rule of the sun god. The existence of evil is not due to the actions of the creator god, but instead arises from the selfish interests of humanity; Re must slaughter the very people he created in order to stop this evil.

When the gods choose to leave, separating themselves from humanity, it creates three realms – the divine realm, the duat (the underworld), and the mortal world. It is this mortal world where evil can be found; it is the mortal world that is forever caught in the perilous struggle against the ensuing forces of chaos, and where the pharaoh must work to bring about order and divine perfection.

By Christopher Bebbington.

Love Islands? “True” Stories of Romance, Hedonism and Debauchery in the Ancient World

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To celebrate the momentous return of the inexplicably popular TV series “Love Island”, we’ve finally caved and decided to watch it. To be honest, we were a little disappointed…Love Island has nothing on the gossip and myths of the ancient world! So, we’ve decided to showcase some of our favourite romantic, sensual and downright naughty stories.

(Content Warning: Salacious Acts, Salubrious Naughtiness and an Unfortunate Amount of Incest)

Carry On Cleo!

By Sarah Hitchens

One of the most famous and controversial love triangles in ancient history was that of Cleopatra and her Roman amoureux, Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. Cleopatra was an Egyptian queen whose affairs with Rome’s “most desirable” men have inspired Shakespeare, Hollywood and the unforgettable Carry-on Cleo.

Cleopatra was queen of Egypt and the last monarch of the Ptolemaic Empire. The Ptolemaic dynasty liked to “keep things in the family”, and like her relatives before her Cleopatra was married to not one, but both of her brothers, as well as having legendary affairs with Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony.

Cleo’s exploits are too extensive to fit into two short paragraphs but our favourite part of the story is definitely her fabled meeting with Julius Caesar.

Cleopatra married her brother Ptolemy XIII, solidifying her claim to the throne ahead of her two older sisters (who would later meet somewhat suspicious, sticky ends). According to legend, Cleopatra heard that Caesar was fond of royal women. So, she rolled herself up in a carpet and was smuggled into Caesar’s bedroom where she “convinced” the enigmatic Roman leader to lend his support to Egypt. When her brother/husband heard what Cleopatra had done, he incited a riot and ended up besieging his sister/wife and her lover. However, Roman reinforcements eventually showed up and Ptolemy’s army were chased into the Nile. Ptolemy was killed in the fighting. Cleopatra claimed that Caesar was father to her oldest son (though Caesar never acknowledged the child).

Cleopatra was then married to her even younger brother Ptolemy XIV, whom was eventually poisoned – probably by Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s final affair was with Roman Triumvirate Marc Anthony. Marc Anthony’s wife Fulvia was less that happy about the match, but was unable to stop the affair! In the end, rather famously, Cleopatra supposedly committed suicide by snake-bite when Augustus Caesar captured Egypt after the Battle of Actium.

A Girl Worth Fighting For

By Classicus Scholarus

You’ve probably heard of Helen of Troy: “the face that launch’d a thousand ships/and burnt the topless towers of Ilium” A.K.A. the most beautiful woman in the world A.K.A. a woman so gossiped about by different Greek authors that it’s impossible to know what’s true and what’s not.

When she was young, she was supposedly kidnapped by Theseus and rescued when her brothers Castor and Pollux invaded Athens. Helen’s life involved quite a pattern of men invading cities to get her back. When it was time for her to marry, many suitors competed for her. Odysseus (who was never a real contender – he hadn’t even brought a gift!) proposed that all her suitors should pledge to support the victor against his enemies. After the pact was made, Menelaus the king of Sparta won and married Helen.

Meanwhile, Eris (the goddess of discord) had been angered because she had not been invited to the banquet celebrating the marriage of Peleus and Thetis (hello there, Maleficent!). She threw into the festivities a golden apple as a prize for “the fairest” to try to cause disruption. Athena, Hera and Aphrodite all tried to claim that they deserved the apple and asked Zeus to judge who was the most beautiful. Zeus refused to choose between them, so asked a mortal, Paris, to judge the contest. Naturally, all three tried to bribe him; Athena offered him skill and wisdom in war, Hera offered him all of Europe and Asia, and Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman in the world (i.e. Helen).

Paris was not thinking with his brain that day.

After being promised Helen by Aphrodite, Paris visited Sparta “on a diplomatic mission”. Accounts vary on whether Helen was seduced by Paris and willingly ran away with him or whether she was abducted. Herodotus claims she was kidnapped, while the Cypria says that (after giving Helen gifts), Aphrodite brought the pair together. Sappho argues that Helen willingly left Menelaus and their daughter Hermione. To be fair, stay with the guy who won you in a contest after making a pact with his mates, or run away with the guy who won you as a bribe in a contest with a bunch of bickering goddesses? Tough choice.

When he found out she was missing, Menelaus called on Helen’s other suitors to honour their promise and support him in war, including Odysseus and Agamemnon, king of Argos. This started the war between the Greeks and Trojans which supposedly lasted ten years. Ironically, some authors (Euripides, Stesichorus, and Herodotus) claim she never even went to Troy, but was in Egypt for the duration of the war.

Speaking of Agamemnon and the Trojan War…

The Last Bath of Agamemnon

By Juan Candelas Fisac

This is the story of King Agamemnon of Argos, and how he came to a sticky end in the bath, at the hands of his queen, Clytemnestra. Do note that this story is more a love web than a love triangle.

Have you ever heard the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”? To say Clytemnestra was furious was an understatement. Marital turbulence began when Agamemnon sacrificed their daughter, Iphigenia, to Artemis in exchange for good winds to carry their war ships to Troy. Yep, that’s right, he murdered their daughter for some wind.

Infanticide is just the beginning of this couples’ problems.

So Agamemnon was not exactly the father of the year, but neither was he the ideal husband, since this immoral king also cheated his wife numerous times during the Trojan War. One of these unfortunate endeavours, recorded by the Odyssey, is the attempt of Agamemnon to sleep with Achilles’ lover, Briseis. Are you keeping track of all these names? (Do you think Agamemnon did?)

The carnal and bloody sins of Agamemnon were paid in kind with a sweet last bath in his home when he came back from Trojan War. Aegisthus, who was taken as a lover by Clytemnestra due to her frustration during the War (yes, an eleventh-hour additional lover!), killed Agamemnon with an axe or sword whilst he was having a bath!

Love, War, and Blacksmithing

By Hannah Drummond

Aphrodite was the Greek goddess of love, fertility, pleasure and beauty. In Hesiod’s Theogony, Aphrodite was born when Cronus cut off the genitals of his father Uranus (which then landed in the ocean and created Aphrodite). Like many Greek gods and goddesses, Aphrodite had numerous lovers – both mortal and immortal. Her immortal lovers included the gods Hermes, Poseidon, Ares and Hephaestus.

Aphrodite was forcibly married to Hephaestus by the will of Zeus, who gave her as a prize (!) to whoever could bring Hephaestus to Olympus (he had trapped Hera in a golden throne as revenge for his own ugliness…). Aphrodite agreed, believing that her lover Ares would win. Dionysus suggested to Hephaestus that he go to Olympus, free Hera from the golden throne, and claim Aphrodite for himself. He agreed with Dionysus’ plan and was married after freeing his mother from the throne that he created – which seems a bit like cheating, really.

In the Odyssey Book 8, the bard Demodocus tells the tale of Ares’ and Aphrodite’s love affair after Aphrodite had married Hephaestus. Helios, the sun god, witnessed the affair and told Hephaestus. Hephaestus decided to make a plan and exact revenge upon the two, but this time a golden throne wouldn’t do. Instead, he forged chains that were impossible to break and attached them to his and Aphrodite’s bed. When Ares next visited Aphrodite the chains were triggered and bound the two lovers together. Hephaestus then brought the gods of Olympus to his home to see the two shamed lovers in his bed. When the gods witnessed the two stuck in the chains they laughed, claiming that “Ares must pay an adulterer’s penalty”. Poseidon spoke up for the two lovers and said he would pay the penalty if Ares failed to and Hephaestus, agreeing, released the chains. Shamed, both Aphrodite and Ares fled.

The “happy” ending is that in total Ares and Aphrodite had four children together, but they also both had many children outside of their relationship. Of course.

Two Gods, One Lettuce

By Christopher Bebbington

Ah, the humble lettuce – forefront of the classic salad, and one of the players in a very strange Egyptian “romance”. In any reality TV show, there’s always one contestant who is in it to win at any cost, and for ancient Egypt, that contestant was Seth! The Contendings of Horus and Seth, found in the 20th Dynasty Chester Beatty I Papyrus, tells the story of the Egyptian gods Horus and Seth engaging in a number of trials to prove who was more suited to succeeding Osiris as the king of Egypt.

During the story, Horus and Seth faced challenges before the Ennead of Egypt to prove themselves worthy of kingship; in each challenge, Horus proved superior to his uncle. Ultimately, Seth decided to employ trickery to defeat Horus – he asked Horus to spend the evening at his home, and in the dark of night, he tried to mount his nephew!

Horus caught Seth’s semen in his hands, and ran to his mother, Isis, who was shocked to see what had happened! She took some of Horus’ semen into a pot, and cooked up a scheme for revenge…

The next morning, Isis visited Seth’s garden and asked his gardener what vegetables Seth usually ate. The gardener told Isis that he frequently enjoyed a bit of lettuce, so Isis mixed Horus’ semen in with the lettuce. Seth breakfasted on the lettuce, and enjoyed it as he always did (even with the additional dressing).

When Horus and Seth came before the Ennead, Seth decried Horus as unfit to rule since Seth had “performed the labour of a male” upon him. The Ennead were horrified, but Horus confidently declared that Seth had lied. He told the Ennead to summon forth the semen of Horus and see where it answered from.

The Ennead called forth the semen of Horus, which emerged as a golden solar disc upon his head. Seth was horrified, having been beaten at his own naughty game, and in the end Horus was awarded the kingship of Egypt.

So maybe don’t always eat your greens.

Ancient Affairs

Human society has always been fixated by gossip, sex and sensuality, and this holds true in the ancient world. The immoral activities of gods and mortals in legend, myth and reality create a fascinating tapestry that stretches through time and is certainly more fascinating than who cheated on who on Love Island. Or at least we think so.

 

Edited by Christopher Bebbington & Elle DeSpretter.